All is full of... Blessings

Yesterday in the hospital I woke up almost every other hour, at first very frantic, not knowing where I was, but every time after I was less and less frantic to the point where around 6am when the nurse woke me with a syringe in her hand i simply pulled up my gown and rolled over.

Around 930, the nurse for my cubical block came to do rounds and check on everyone, when she got to me she read my sheet saw the lacerations on my legs and let out a soft "ouch" under her breathe. She asked the routine questions, how I slept, how I was feeling, was there any pain and she ended by asking if anyone had came to tidy me yet (I was on strict bed rest, I was not allowed to get off)... I told her no, not at all since I've been here, looking down at my legs and seeing the mud still caked on from where i had fallen, and the grit below my nails, I guess i must have been looking pretty forlorn because she let out what I can only assume was an attempt at a pitiful smile and told me she'd get the cart for me.

When she brought the cart she told me that she'll leave it here for me, that if i needed help she would be right next door and to just call for her, again probably feeling sorry for me after i expressed earlier my inability to pee in the bed pan (by this time I hadn't peed since i was admitted around 12 the day before)... maybe this was her attempt at having me feel some form of independence. I welcomed the feel of the clean warm water and couldn't help but think that I couldn't wait to be home so I could take a proper shower. 

When I was finished I sat on my bed and just waited, the head nurse poked her head in and asked if I was finished, I told her yes as she was opening the curtain to leave I asked her if I could please go and use the bathroom, she looked at me and said they have you attached to this bed, i nodded and explained that I was having problems going in the bed pan, she sighed and said straight to the bathroom and back to bed with you. Yes! freedom! Not only was it the longest pee of my life but it was the first thing on a long list of many to follow that I realized I take for granted daily... The ability to pee in privacy whenever you want to.

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After an accident there is something they don't tell you when they release you from the hospital. They don't tell you that the meds they give you for the pain doesn't compare anything to what they gave you at the hospital, and that while you probably felt like you didn't even need to be at the hospital while you were there cause you barely felt any pain what so ever, the morning after you will wish it was exactly where you were.

This morning was just that for me... I was very grateful that I got to for the first time sleep through the whole night, but the pain I woke up to at 645am was no joke, if it didn't hurt it ached, if it didn't ache it stung, if it didn't sting it was stiff... but you get the idea. There is nothing I wouldn't have done to see a nurse with a syringe standing at the side of my bed. Somehow I managed to calm myself and force myself to go back to sleep, sleep being the only real escape from the pain, as most of my meds has to be taken after a meal, and the prospect of getting up and making something (that I would have to blend to eat, after discovering that my lip can not handle solid food intake, and I have to eat with a straw) I decided sleep was the best alternative.

When I woke up for real for real (because i did wake up in between) at around 930, I got up, tidied my room as best as I could and decided to go take a warm shower in the hopes that it would help with the pain, also I was looking forward to it since yesterday right. I would be lying if I said I enjoyed my shower as much as I thought I would, I would be lying if I didn't say I stood there alone crying for numerous reasons. I couldn't reach my back, when I raised my right leg to clean soap it my hip on the left side hurt so badly that all i could do was cry. It took me 20 min to shower, nothing fancy just soap up, rinse off... 20min. Stepping out of the shower and drying was also a scene. It took me about 15min yesterday in the hospital with a wash cloth and two basins, and today with a full shower it took 20. I cried because well... i felt alone and just about helpless. Lesson #2 on things we take for granted... the ability to take a shower on one's own.

_Shanti_

Little Black Bird...

This morning while walking I saw a little black bird with one leg.

The moral of the story?

You think you're having a tough break in life, and then you see a one legged black bird and suddenly realize... He has one leg and still manages to use it to the best of his ability, he didn't just roll over and die, he's a fighter.

We should all be fighters, and remember that while our problems seem like great ones, there is someone out there that just may have it worse off than you, and still manage to live the happiest life they can.

-Shanti

Battle of the Heart & Mind

I know that one's actual heart is just an organ that pumps blood through our body and actually has no emotional bounds what so ever, but two days ago my heart and my head hurt to the point where I could barely fall asleep.

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My conclusion is that there was an epic battle going on inside of me. They were both fighting with one another... word on the street is that after realizing what utter ridiculous nonsense the brain had gotten into, at some point my heart refused to pump blood to it, no doubt as punishment.

But my poor heart, which had already carried tons of battle scars and was just beginning to heal again, was having a bit of strain, not only having to stop itself from doing its own job but also fighting the messages the brain was sending crying out for help.

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Maybe I do need to get more sleep, I kinda sound like I'm losing it

But on a really serious note, I have discovered that there is a pain much worse than having someone break your heart...

It may not occur often, might be down right rare to some but alas... Breaking your own heart, that is quite the pain my friends.

Moral of the story, when you have something, someone that just feels right, that is right, don't let any excuse you can conjure up in your head stop you from being completely open with them, your heart will thank you in the long run.

-Shanti-

Learning to forgive oneself

There are two things I read tonight that really hit home for me, and I found them not because they mystically appeared to me in the form of a sign from the heavens, but because I sought them out.

The answers don't always just come to you, you do have to put in an effort every once in awhile.

First excerpts from the Meditation: "Loving - Kindness Meditation - Forgiveness"

"Have forgiveness in your heart for anything you think you've done wrong . Forgive yourself for all the past omissions and commissions. They are long gone. Understand that you were a different person and this one is forgiving that one that you were. Feel that forgiveness filling you and enveloping you with a sense of warmth and ease."

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"Think of any one person, or any situation, or any group of people whom you are condemning, blaming, disliking. Forgive them, completely. Let your forgiveness be your expression of unconditional love. They may not do the right things. Human beings have dukkha. And your heart needs the forgiveness in order to have purity of love."

Second excerpts from the blog post "Buddha on Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Right & Wrong"

These quotes are however direct teachings of Buddha

“These two are fools. Which two? The one who doesn’t see his/her transgression as a transgression, and the one who doesn’t rightfully pardon another who has confessed his/her transgression. These two are fools."

“These two are wise. Which two? The one who sees his/her transgression as a transgression, and the one who rightfully pardons another who has confessed his/her transgression. These two are wise.”

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"When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done."

I'm no sudden philosopher, just a misguided person, as are most of us. Someone told me recently that I should take this time to reflect,  and not only am I doing that but I am seeking ways in which to better my life, enrich my life, be happy with myself, in my life.

Sharing is caring in this instance and I can only hope that this blog post, these excerpts, even the full articles have an impact on anyone else that may happen to read them, as they have for me.

Shanti

Life (Lying+Love=Loss)

 "In Life, Lying to someone you Love will always most definitely result in Loss."

Its really a simple equation, one that most of us know in our hearts to be true without anyone ever really telling us. Yet, even with this knowledge we still find it necessary to lie to the people we love, and not only do we do this, but we find selfish "justifiable" reasons to do so.

"I did it for you... I didn't want to hurt you... I was afraid of how you would react..." examples of the excuses we feed ourselves to feed our motives, but the truth of the matter is that behind all of these "yous" there is actually a very loud "I/Me". Really what we mean is "I did it for me... I didn't want this truth to hurt me... I was afraid of how you would react, and how it would affect me". That is the reality of the situation, whether we want to admit it to ourselves or to the people we blatantly lie to,

As much as we try to separate the two, Omission is lying. That is just the truth. Failing to say something, trying to conceal it, beating around the bush, these are all forms of the same thing, lying. But no one likes the word, no one wants to be called a liar, its harsh, its ugly, it makes us feel badly. Who have you ever heard saying "I'm a liar and proud of it"

We can't lie to someone and claim to love them, this is not love, we can not claim to trust someone, to have faith in them and turn around and keep things from them, out of "fear" of the outcome. The truth should always be spoken, only this way can we have a real relationship of any kind based on trust.

Omitting even the smallest details, or what you consider to be small and meaningless could mean a lot more to someone else who has placed trust in you, and when you keep that from them you leave room for that trust to be broken, and trust is something that once lost is a hell of a hard thing to earn back.

Maybe i'm ranting, maybe i'm just writing this because I was the idiot that ommitted the truth from someone that I love, and now i have to live with that. But seriously. Just take it from someone that has lost the most precious thing in her life, It's never worth it, no amount of fear, pride of stupid justification is ever worth it.