All is full of... Blessings

Yesterday in the hospital I woke up almost every other hour, at first very frantic, not knowing where I was, but every time after I was less and less frantic to the point where around 6am when the nurse woke me with a syringe in her hand i simply pulled up my gown and rolled over.

Around 930, the nurse for my cubical block came to do rounds and check on everyone, when she got to me she read my sheet saw the lacerations on my legs and let out a soft "ouch" under her breathe. She asked the routine questions, how I slept, how I was feeling, was there any pain and she ended by asking if anyone had came to tidy me yet (I was on strict bed rest, I was not allowed to get off)... I told her no, not at all since I've been here, looking down at my legs and seeing the mud still caked on from where i had fallen, and the grit below my nails, I guess i must have been looking pretty forlorn because she let out what I can only assume was an attempt at a pitiful smile and told me she'd get the cart for me.

When she brought the cart she told me that she'll leave it here for me, that if i needed help she would be right next door and to just call for her, again probably feeling sorry for me after i expressed earlier my inability to pee in the bed pan (by this time I hadn't peed since i was admitted around 12 the day before)... maybe this was her attempt at having me feel some form of independence. I welcomed the feel of the clean warm water and couldn't help but think that I couldn't wait to be home so I could take a proper shower. 

When I was finished I sat on my bed and just waited, the head nurse poked her head in and asked if I was finished, I told her yes as she was opening the curtain to leave I asked her if I could please go and use the bathroom, she looked at me and said they have you attached to this bed, i nodded and explained that I was having problems going in the bed pan, she sighed and said straight to the bathroom and back to bed with you. Yes! freedom! Not only was it the longest pee of my life but it was the first thing on a long list of many to follow that I realized I take for granted daily... The ability to pee in privacy whenever you want to.

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After an accident there is something they don't tell you when they release you from the hospital. They don't tell you that the meds they give you for the pain doesn't compare anything to what they gave you at the hospital, and that while you probably felt like you didn't even need to be at the hospital while you were there cause you barely felt any pain what so ever, the morning after you will wish it was exactly where you were.

This morning was just that for me... I was very grateful that I got to for the first time sleep through the whole night, but the pain I woke up to at 645am was no joke, if it didn't hurt it ached, if it didn't ache it stung, if it didn't sting it was stiff... but you get the idea. There is nothing I wouldn't have done to see a nurse with a syringe standing at the side of my bed. Somehow I managed to calm myself and force myself to go back to sleep, sleep being the only real escape from the pain, as most of my meds has to be taken after a meal, and the prospect of getting up and making something (that I would have to blend to eat, after discovering that my lip can not handle solid food intake, and I have to eat with a straw) I decided sleep was the best alternative.

When I woke up for real for real (because i did wake up in between) at around 930, I got up, tidied my room as best as I could and decided to go take a warm shower in the hopes that it would help with the pain, also I was looking forward to it since yesterday right. I would be lying if I said I enjoyed my shower as much as I thought I would, I would be lying if I didn't say I stood there alone crying for numerous reasons. I couldn't reach my back, when I raised my right leg to clean soap it my hip on the left side hurt so badly that all i could do was cry. It took me 20 min to shower, nothing fancy just soap up, rinse off... 20min. Stepping out of the shower and drying was also a scene. It took me about 15min yesterday in the hospital with a wash cloth and two basins, and today with a full shower it took 20. I cried because well... i felt alone and just about helpless. Lesson #2 on things we take for granted... the ability to take a shower on one's own.

_Shanti_